Monologues
by Sotto
Summary: The title explains all.
1. Goodbye

**AN: This is "Goodbye". I wanted to add another monologue and it's in the next chapter. I did fix the spelling of "dying" (Thanks Captain Evermind) and change "toast" to "eulogy"... Other than that, nothings changed.**

> > >

You're asking me why I didn't say goodbye. No doubt in your mind you're going over the different possibilities… "Didn't want to admit that we'd never meet again", "No time" and my personal favorite, "Asshole".

All of those reasons are shit, you know.

Why, then? Why didn't I? Well, think about our reunion. Every two years it's the same. Radar's still innocent and naive, you wear your Hawaiian shirt, Charles is pompous, Frank flirts with Hot Lips, Margaret punches him, Klinger wears a dress, Father Mulcahy says "jocularity" much more than necessary, BJ still has his mustache and Sherman uses… Well, _used_, the strangest sayings I've ever heard.

And me? Well, I never say goodbye.

Don't try to argue with me. You know it's true.

That still doesn't answer your question? Well remember Sherman's funeral? Do you remember how it ruined everything?

Shut up. It's rhetorical, stupid.

It did ruin everything. We were caught by surprise. No warning. Don't you remember? Radar came with his wife and kid. Not the little kid we used to know. Charles was humble. I don't think I need to point out the problem with that. Frank didn't give Margaret a glance… He was too busy holding hands with his wife. Klinger was wearing pants. Father Mulcahy was sad. Depressed, even. I didn't hear any cries of "jocularity". BJ didn't have time to grow his mustache. You and Margaret were so obviously in love. Everyone could tell from your fingers which had turned goldand the little baby she was carrying.

And me? Well, I said goodbye.

It was proof, don't you understand? Proof that we all had changed after the war. And proof that we didn't want our fellow veterans to know. Proof that Radar still wanted to be the kid, Charles still wanted to be the snob, Frank still wanted to be the comedic relief, Klinger still wanted to be the cross dresser, Father Mulcahy still wanted to have faith, Margaret still wanted to be the by-the-book-slut, BJ still wanted to be the side kick and you still wanted to be the hero.

And me? Well, I still wanted to be the inconsiderate jerk who never said goodbye.

You have to understand… We didn't want to be it for ourselves… We all knew that the others needed to believe that we all were the same.

Only Sherman ruined it by dying.

The next reunion, we still pretended to be the same. We pretended that we never saw what rotten liars the others were. But it didn't work as well. Sure, we pretended it did, but it didn't.

It _still_ doesn't.

Does that tell you why I never said goodbye?

No?

Well it's the same concept.

I was acting. Acting just like we're acting now, at the reunion. You see, I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go back to a wife who despised me and children who she had told that I was the reason for all of their troubles.

_You can't have a pony, Becky, because your father's a cheating scumbag._

I wanted to stay in Korea. Where I was helping people. Where I had a family.

How could you understand? Trapper? Not want to go home? I couldn't break character! I couldn't!

It's not as if I could lie. Everyone in camp already knew because Radar told them.

Does that answer your question?

I didn't think so.

You see, saying goodbye would make it so I had to admit I was leaving. I wasn't ready for that. I just couldn't. I didn't want to leave. Saying goodbye would force me out of denial.

I wasn't ready to face facts.

By the time I was, I was sitting in Boston hearing my wife complain about something irrelevant.

But writing you then would break character, too. It would make me admit to a mistake. _Trapper_ doesn't admit to mistakes.

I can't even say goodbye now.

The way the story goes, the way it's supposed to go, I don't say goodbye until one of us is on our deathbed. At the funeral, if I die, you make some heart wrenching eulogy about how I finally said goodbye. If you die, my eulogy is about how I finally made my peace.

Don't you understand? _That's_ how it's supposed to end. Not now. Not at some reunion that no one will ever remember.

Do you understand now?

Do you understand why I can't say it?

It would ruin everything.

Just like Sherman dying did.

I have to leave now. Tuck in my kids, who have been poisoned against me. Have sex with my wife, who's plotting my downfall. Fall into restless sleep. Wake up from nightmares. Sneak out. Find some floozy in a bar. Go to a cheap motel. Sneak back in. Pretend that my family didn't hear me.

They will have, but they won't say anything.

That would break character.

Ruin everything.

Mess up the story.

Just like saying goodbye.

> > >

**_AN: I actually was planning to do this one as an anniversary for the beginning of the war, but I couldn't get my ideas across the way I wanted to. I think I was a bit OOC and made Trapper sound like Frank, but this whole story is supposed to be. I couldn't resist the HM. And I apologize for killing of Colonel Potter. I'm sorry if the style was a bit off, but it was my first time writing a monologue. It's a lot harder than it seems._**

_**Please review! Even flamers can! I'm not picky!**_


	2. Untitled

> > >

_Its one thing to argue with yourself but it's a whole other thing to loose an argument with yourself. _

I never quite understood that… I mean, what kind of argument has no loser? How can both win? There's always one person, or part of a person, as the case may be, who concedes that they're wrong. There's always one person, or part, who is right.

Black and white.

Night and day.

Frank and me.

Same thing. One is good, the other's bad. Of course, some may contest that black, night and Frank aren't "bad" but merely misunderstood. I disagree.

There always is good and bad, no?

But what is good and evil?

Pure and wicked?

It doesn't matter. What does is that black, night and Frank are evil.

But, is black any more wicked than red, or blood? Or kaki, what causes the blood? Of course, kaki doesn't cause blood, does it? No… It's the _wearers_ of the kaki. And I suppose red isn't necessarily bad, either. In fact, didn't I once get a party where everything was dyed red? And red can be lots of things… Like wine that I share with my wife… A rose that I present her… But every rose has its thorns, no?

Hmmmmm… But what's good about the color black? Well, there is my hair, I but I won't say that for two reasons. It's going grey and I'm not vain. Well, at least I hope I'm not vain… Frank might say otherwise… Anyway, what's good about black?

Well, Hot Lips Pierce looks damn sexy in black.

In that case, is night evil as well? Is gazing at the stars a symptom of wickedness? Is dancing in the moonlight with a lover or wife heinous? Are the little children who race around barefoot to catch fireflies any less innocent?

NO!

But it's different with Frank.

Frank is bad.

I am good.

Ask Trapper. He'll no doubt tell you the fairytale story where I'm the night in shining armor. He insists that the story's bullshit, but we still need to keep it. We still night to tell our kids bedtime stories.

Not that I'm supposed to have children, mind you, according to the story.

Neither is Radar, for that matter.

Neither is Hot Lips, either.

Well, we showed them wrong.

It doesn't really matter that we didn't want to, does it?

It's just a technicality.

Anyway, back to Frank.

He's bad.

Need I think more?

I do?

Well, this stinks.

Not that I don't mind thinking. I love thinking. It's almost as good as talking

Erm… Right… Frank… He's hypocritical. He's a bad doctor. He cheated on his wife, with my wife, no less! He's cruel. He's stupid. He's army. He's ugly.

Of course ugliness has to do with this… What kind of fairytale has an ugly hero? What do you think this is…? The Ugly Duckling?

Now me, I'm the AntiFrank. Or rather, Frank's the AntiMe… AntiHawkeye… AntiBen…

In conclusion, megood and Frankwicked.

But, is one born to wickedness, or do they have wickedness thrust upon them? Hell, I'm not sure that Frank is human enough to be born, but you get the point, right?

Right?

Right.

Well, I don't know a lot about Frank's past, mainly because I never gave a shit, but I do know that his dad was a jackass. Of course, I've seen him make excuses and talk about what a "great American" Ferret Face sr. is, but he was a total shit. From casual things Frankie's said, I've discovered that his dad was a drunk.

Not that I have anything against drunks. I once was one, but I shaped up when Grace was born.

Or, more precisely, Hot Lips shaped me up.

Or, even more precisely, she stopped putting out whenever I even mentioned booze.

This was a tough decision. Alcohol or sex. Naturally, I chose sex, because… Well… I'm a horny bastard…

Erm… Back to Frank's family. I know he never had friends. I know his brother was as much of an asshole as his dad. Oh yeah… And I know that his mother was the only one who ever gave a shit about him, but she died when he was six.

After informing him that he was to become a doctor.

I never thought I'd say, or think, this, but poor Frank.

_Pore Frank is daid,  
Pore Frank Burns is daid,  
All gather 'round his cawfin now and cry  
He had a heart of gold  
And he wasn't very old  
Oh why did such a feller have to die?_

Alright I'll cut it with the singing. Hmmm… Can one sing in one's head? I suppose so, considering the fact I just did.

Anyway, back to Frank. But is his shitty family an excuse for him being such a… Shitty person?

No, I say!

…Right?

God, this argument is almost as pointless as Korea.

Did you know that there still isn't a peace treaty? Well, did I know that there still isn't a peace treaty? Well, considering the fact that I just said… Thought it, yes!

Erm… I'm starting to confuse myself.

Anyway, where was I?

How am I supposed to answer that?

Oh, right… Korea…

Well, there still isn't a peace treaty. Officially, the war continues… And continues… Actually, officially, it never even was a war, but that's besides the point…

It's just one never-ending ceasefire.

One never-ending staring contest.

One never-ending wait to see who pulls the trigger first.

Between North Korea and South Korea.

Good and bad.

Hmmmm… Maybe that's how an argument doesn't have a loser… It just goes off into eternity, floating in space until it's forgotten.

Just like Korea.

> > >

**AN: I'd like to apologize right away for being away so long. I was in summer camp and still am in a production of "Fiddler on the Roof".**

**I'm sorry I made Hawkeye out to be a bit of an asshole. And I'm also sorry about how disorganized it is. I just always pegged Hawkeye's character as one who couldn't stay on a single topic for long… Always jumping around and such.**

**Please review! It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside! Even flames!**


End file.
